Tch, [ elmott doesn't bother to hide his own smile, a small, tired thing as he closes his eyes again. ] Been dealing with you since I got to this dump, haven't I?
[ it's only been a handful of months at best, but it feels like so long ago since the night they first met. ]
I'm still here. A while longer ain't gonna make a difference.
[His lips part, and if Elmott could see them, he would even say they quivered, but Yan Qing doesn't say a word. For once, he believes it.
They arrive at Elmott's apartment without incident. After that stunt, Yan Qing wasn't sure he'd be welcome here again either, but here he was, laying Elmott on the couch and examining his wounds. His gauntlets disappear into what looks like stardust as he reaches out to brush Elmott's bangs aside, and he almost can't believe he did this much. With the surge of emotion he felt the second the seraphim struck, he honestly expected more.]
Damn... Okay, don't move. Let's getcha cleaned up first, yeah? Stay where you are.
[He looks for the things he needs, and it doesn't take him long to come back and get to work. He doesn't panic. He's done this before.]
[ it's hard not to doze off while yan qing is carrying him. it's funny, how he was literally getting his ass kicked by him not that long ago and now he's taking him home. there's probably something to be said about that, and probably something to be said about how relaxed he feels at the moment, trusting yan qing to get them back without any further trouble.
he keeps drifting back to when he'd pulled him close and the crush of his mouth against yan qing's; a part of him wonders if maybe he should make up for it somehow, insist that it was just to wake yan qing up instead of anything deeper than that. but elmott knows himself and he knows he's an awful liar. he told yan qing he's still here and he meant it in every sense — he never goes back on his word.
a shimmer of light flickers behind his eyelids and elmott opens his eyes slowly to see the gauntlets fading away, registering the familiar walls of his apartment afterward. now that he's lying down, he feels a little less lightheaded, a little more coherent as he makes a soft grunt of an acknowledgement before yan qing disappears. he makes an attempt to sit up and immediately regrets it, tucking a pillow behind him instead to prop himself up. ]
How's it look?
[ this isn't the worst damage he's been dealt, but he knows it's not very good either. for now, he lets yan qing handle it, staying still as his eyes slip shut once more. ]
[He musters up his usual self; the last thing Elmott needs to do is worry about him. Now's not the time to think about the lingering taste of blood on his lips or who's thinking of what. They have more important things to do. Surviving is one of them. So is paying back a debt.
He knows what Elmott said, but he still...]
...You're still a looker. Don't worry about it. [Elmott could be worse. If he can laugh, that's a good sign. Yan Qing dips a piece of cotton in the solution.] Now clench your teeth. This might sting.
[With that warning, he begins to dab at the fresh wounds on Elmott's face.]
[ he's chuckling though, wincing just a little bit at the pain in his stomach. but it helps to alleviate whatever concerns he had; this is familiar, comfortable, and maybe yan qing is doing it for his sake, but he's grateful for it all the same.
elmott turns his head a little towards him to make it easier, ears flattening against his head at the first dab of cotton on his cheek. it's more cold than anything else — the sting hardly registers more than just an uncomfortable prickly feeling, and he bears it quietly until yan qing is finished.
eventually, after he's moved from the cuts on his face to the ones along the side of his head, he speaks up again. ]
... Thanks, [ he starts, already feeling silly for it. ] For staying. You didn't have to clean me up.
[He huffs. Between the flattening of Elmott's ears and his words of gratitude, Yan Qing is relieved to find that things have stayed the same. He doesn't know what he'd do if Elmott had been quick to leave him for good, but he supposes he would have moved on just as fast. That's how it always is with him, despite everything. But right now, when Elmott shows himself at his most vulnerable, Yan Qing doesn't even want to think about that.
When he speaks, his voice is uncharacteristically soft. Gentle.]
Didn't have to. Just wanted to. Like what you did back there, right?
[As Yan Qing pushes Elmott's bangs up to reach a wound on his temple, he's feeling shy all of a sudden. It's not like him to be when he's all smiles and confidence, so he pushes onward. Back to the usual. There are things he has to say now before he has any regrets.]
[ elmott has no doubts that yan qing would move on quickly if he decided to leave, just as he knows he wouldn't be capable of the same. as much as he tries not to care, the fact of the matter is that he does, almost too much. it's gotten worse since he started teaching; he's forgotten how to just leave people be, to not get involved and invested, to not take responsibility for anything. he can't let go as easily as he used to, and sometimes that still keeps him up at night: he has more to lose now.
but it's not like he has a choice anymore, does he? he's accepted it — the weight of that responsibility and everything that comes with it. even if it kills him in the end. ]
I meant what I said, you know. [ yan qing's tone is as gentle as his touch against his temple, and elmott finds it difficult to maintain eye contact as one moment stretches into two. ] You don't owe me anything. I'm not gonna stop.
[ reminding him, believing in him. elmott doesn't think he needs to say as much for yan qing to know; he feels like he probably said too much already, but since he's here now, he might as well go all in. ]
There is a long pause when lifts the cotton from Elmott's wounds. He wants to look at him the way he is now and burn it into memory — scars, bruises and all. This is what he's willing to put himself through. All this for a nobody he's only known for a month or two. He really doesn't get it. What did he do to make Elmott go so far. Stupid. Moron. This pause isn't for himself anymore.
Elmott needs to focus.]
Yan Qing. That's my real name.
[He rests his chin on his hands flat on the couch, peering at Elmott with a little more affection.]
... Well, you're from another world, so it doesn't mean anything to you. Ah, but if it did, I wonder if you'd do the same thing. I guess you would. [He sighs.] You're way too soft.
[ it's fine if yan qing doesn't understand — elmott doesn't really understand it himself either, how he'd changed so much in such a short amount of time; how he's grown to care this much about yan qing when it's just been a few months since they met. he doesn't know how it started, doesn't know what the catalyst was that led him to this moment, but maybe there's just people out there that he was meant to connect with. like djeeta, like tsubasa, like yan qing. they've all impacted his life in some way or another, expanded his world to encompass more than just himself. he doesn't feel remorse or regret sitting on his couch beaten up and bruised in front of yan qing, and he knows that, given the choice, he'd likely do the same thing again.
but anyway, ]
I knew you weren't Shin, sorta from Shinjuku. [ it's a little anticlimactic in a way, but it's only because he had a feeling from the start. he just never felt right about pushing him for it. ] Yan Qing, huh? [ he says it slow, feels the way his mouth shapes the syllables and vowels. ] It suits you.
And you ain't in a position to be judgin', so I'd shut it if I were you.
[There is a certain joy in watching someone say your name for the first time. Most people don't learn it the way he has; people like him lie, steal and cheat to get ahead. It's all he's ever done since joining the bandits at Liangshan. Hiding, that is. So when Elmott says he always knew, Yan Qing feels a weight lifted off his shoulders. Elmott doesn't believe because Yan Qing's charmed him. In fact, he's beginning to think it's quite the opposite.]
Hmm? Is that how I come off? After all that? [He snorts.] Well, thank you. I never did know my parents long, but whenever heaven takes me, I'll be sure to tell 'em.
[He knows he won't go back to heaven. The Throne of Heroes doesn't work that way, but it's a nice thing to think about and a nice thing to say. Elmott doesn't need to think about anything more than that.]
Sort of. [ he shrugs, it's not a language he's familiar with, but the sound of it and the shape of it — ] I guess I just thought you were more than just Shin.
[ elmott doesn't remember his parents, doesn't remember if they were the ones who gave him his name or if he somehow ended up choosing it for himself. a name is just a name in the end, he supposes. but the significance of it, the feeling it evokes when someone you care about calls you by it — maybe that's where it really matters. ]
Yeah? [ one would think that after being in this city for so long, he'd know what yan qing is talking about. ] How?
[Yan Qing reaches out, eager to show Elmott, then relents before he can touch his skin. His frown deepens, and part of him worries that perhaps asking for more is too much. He's already hurt him. What if Elmott hates this sort of thing? The sudden contact, the surprises.]
...Can I hold your hand?
[He knows it's okay. He just doesn't want to make him feel like he has to hide.]
[ it's almost funny how yan qing asks to hold his hand now after everything that happened. but elmott doesn't really think about it, placing his hand in yan qing's and curling his fingers around his. chroma sparks alongside the goosebumps that pebble his skin, but he ignores it as well as the flush that threatens to crawl up his face. it's fine, this is fine. they're just holding hands, it's not a big deal. ]
he's shy and he's nervous, maybe even a little apprehensive. earlier, he was operating on desperation and adrenaline, that extra boost to get him over his dumb fear of revealing his feelings. elmott is a terrible liar, but he deflects and never takes the first step when it comes to anything more than just camaraderie, or the care he shows his students. the fact that he managed to do so at all earlier is something he still hasn't gotten over yet.
his heart beats painfully in his chest, his fingers twitch around yan qing's. ]
[He keeps his eyes shut. He doesn't need to know what Elmott looks like now when he can feel the slight movement of his hand that clues him in. Anyone would fluster at the sudden offer of a kiss, but Yan Qing hears what's left unspoken when Elmott doesn't fight it.
Interesting.]
You make it sound like I liked the first one, hahaha.
[Not that he hated it, either.
With one last sigh, he lets the topic go. His recovery is top priority, and he can't delay it any longer for something trivial.
Something that requires a little more thought, as much as he wants to forego that.]
Go to sleep now. You'll be fine. Ah, but Elmott. Just one thing?
[As Yan Qing leans into the pillow he's made of his arm, he cracks one eye open.]
Anything you wanna do, I don't mind doing it with you.
[ even if yan qing hated it, elmott wouldn't hold it against him. it wasn't very good and he had no idea what he was doing for the entirety of it. but it means something that yan qing would bring it up again, doesn't it? and what he says next makes something in his chest tighten, makes him feel warm all over, like he's casting his magic. he both hates and likes how yan qing makes him feel this way so easily. ]
Are you saying that because you want it too? [ it's difficult to look at yan qing's face, so he stares at their linked hands instead, following along the patterns of his tattoos. he swallows, suddenly feeling even more vulnerable than he already has been. ] Or because of earlier?
Now Yan Qing doesn't know what to do. His chest tightens and he doesn't know why. He has Pyra, doesn't he? But Pyra has never said a word or made him promise everything, and Yan Qing has never been closer to her heart as much as he has with Elmott. That has nothing to do with what he wants to do — what he allows himself to do. He only does something when it feels right. That's the way it's always been for him.
He never asks why it does.
And besides...]
That doesn't matter. Think about yourself.
[In the end, this isn't about him. It shouldn't be. That's how you keep people around, right?
[ elmott is quiet for a long time, thinking about what yan qing said, thinking about the things he said and everything else that led up to this point. with his eyes closed, it almost seems like he fell asleep. honestly, he doesn't know if he can sleep at the moment.
eventually, he loosens his hold on yan qing's hand, just enough to slip his fingers through his in a more secure hold. there's action in inaction — yan qing doesn't answer his question and that in itself is an answer. but who is he to demand one from him anyway? who is he to expect anything from him? ]
It matters to me. [ because it'd be easier for him to move on. ] But, it's okay.
[He buries his face in his arm, but his ears burn red enough for Elmott to see.]
That's not fair.
[Elmott says his answer matters for once and he's caught off guard. He's never had to make a difficult choice before — not one where he has to give the truth. It's not fair, how he can't just get by with going with the flow anymore, how he needs to give an answer not because he should agree. It's not fair that he has to play by Elmott's rules, to feel vulnerable in this moment as he laces his fingers with his and makes him hear his own maddening pulse. And even crazier, he thinks, is how he wants to answer. He doesn't want to lie.
He draws in a sharp gasp.]
You know I wouldn't cry for just anybody.
[He bites his lip, squeezes his hand.]
I want to, alright? With you. Shit, maybe I've always wanted to. [His voice shakes.] I'm just...
[ yan qing's right — it's not fair and elmott knows it. he doesn't want to push him for a decision, even if the answer, whatever it may be, frightens him. but what's important is that it's a decision yan qing made himself for himself, not because of what he feels he may owe him, or what he feels elmott wants. the distinction matters, because yan qing matters. ]
I'm the last person you should be crying over. [ something seizes in elmott's chest, a clench and a release at the tremor in yan qing's voice, in the way he squeezes his hand. he reaches out with his other one to cup the side of his head, pulls himself over to tuck his nose against his crown in a parody of a kiss. ] Hey, it's okay, yeah? It's fine. I'm sorry.
[There's a lump in Yan Qing's throat now, and it hurts when he speaks. It hurts when Elmott speaks, humble and patient, like he doesn't know what he's worth or what he's done for him. Stupid, stupid. Pyra told him not to hate himself, but it's hard when he can never be as good as the kindness he doesn't deserve. But he must be doing something right, if Elmott would do this much. He just doesn't know what.
Maybe Elmott is too soft.]
I told you, you won't get anything from being nice.
[And yet Yan Qing leans into him. Elmott is so free with his affection and Yan Qing is both nostalgic and unused to it. His lip quivers when Elmott can't see it, but he has to be stronger.]
People will step all over you, and one day, even I won't be able to...
[Because between then and now, things haven't changed. He still can't give people an answer when they need it the most.]
[ maybe he's too soft, or maybe he just sees too much of himself in yan qing. he recognizes it, all the self-loathing and negligible self-worth; pushing people away only to long for that same comfort of affection and care he could never find on his own. he was there before and he still is now. but perhaps the difference is that he's here, his face pressed to yan qing's hair and holding him closer than he's done with anyone else. maybe yan qing needs it, but so does he. ]
And I told you, I'm not lookin' to get anything.
[ because even this is more than enough, knowing that yan qing wants to. that want is something he can't define yet, and he doesn't know what he wants either, but it's there, simmering beneath his skin beside the chroma. dual sensations, shimmer and ache. ]
I ain't made of glass, Yan Qing. [ he huffs a laugh that lingers in the small space between them. ] I know you kicked my ass earlier, but I can take it.
[They all think they can handle it on their own. They think they can take on the world and forget why he's by their side. Maybe, even after all this time, what he wants is still too much to ask out loud.
But he lifts his eyes and he wants to believe.]
You're always running off on your own. You know you got me too, right? I'm scared... Scared that I won't be able to protect someone again.
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You sure about that? That means you gotta deal with me.
[And he's sure Elmott thinks he's better off without him around.]
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[ it's only been a handful of months at best, but it feels like so long ago since the night they first met. ]
I'm still here. A while longer ain't gonna make a difference.
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They arrive at Elmott's apartment without incident. After that stunt, Yan Qing wasn't sure he'd be welcome here again either, but here he was, laying Elmott on the couch and examining his wounds. His gauntlets disappear into what looks like stardust as he reaches out to brush Elmott's bangs aside, and he almost can't believe he did this much. With the surge of emotion he felt the second the seraphim struck, he honestly expected more.]
Damn... Okay, don't move. Let's getcha cleaned up first, yeah? Stay where you are.
[He looks for the things he needs, and it doesn't take him long to come back and get to work. He doesn't panic. He's done this before.]
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he keeps drifting back to when he'd pulled him close and the crush of his mouth against yan qing's; a part of him wonders if maybe he should make up for it somehow, insist that it was just to wake yan qing up instead of anything deeper than that. but elmott knows himself and he knows he's an awful liar. he told yan qing he's still here and he meant it in every sense — he never goes back on his word.
a shimmer of light flickers behind his eyelids and elmott opens his eyes slowly to see the gauntlets fading away, registering the familiar walls of his apartment afterward. now that he's lying down, he feels a little less lightheaded, a little more coherent as he makes a soft grunt of an acknowledgement before yan qing disappears. he makes an attempt to sit up and immediately regrets it, tucking a pillow behind him instead to prop himself up. ]
How's it look?
[ this isn't the worst damage he's been dealt, but he knows it's not very good either. for now, he lets yan qing handle it, staying still as his eyes slip shut once more. ]
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He knows what Elmott said, but he still...]
...You're still a looker. Don't worry about it. [Elmott could be worse. If he can laugh, that's a good sign. Yan Qing dips a piece of cotton in the solution.] Now clench your teeth. This might sting.
[With that warning, he begins to dab at the fresh wounds on Elmott's face.]
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[ he's chuckling though, wincing just a little bit at the pain in his stomach. but it helps to alleviate whatever concerns he had; this is familiar, comfortable, and maybe yan qing is doing it for his sake, but he's grateful for it all the same.
elmott turns his head a little towards him to make it easier, ears flattening against his head at the first dab of cotton on his cheek. it's more cold than anything else — the sting hardly registers more than just an uncomfortable prickly feeling, and he bears it quietly until yan qing is finished.
eventually, after he's moved from the cuts on his face to the ones along the side of his head, he speaks up again. ]
... Thanks, [ he starts, already feeling silly for it. ] For staying. You didn't have to clean me up.
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When he speaks, his voice is uncharacteristically soft. Gentle.]
Didn't have to. Just wanted to. Like what you did back there, right?
[As Yan Qing pushes Elmott's bangs up to reach a wound on his temple, he's feeling shy all of a sudden. It's not like him to be when he's all smiles and confidence, so he pushes onward. Back to the usual. There are things he has to say now before he has any regrets.]
So... thanks. For believing in me.
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but it's not like he has a choice anymore, does he? he's accepted it — the weight of that responsibility and everything that comes with it. even if it kills him in the end. ]
I meant what I said, you know. [ yan qing's tone is as gentle as his touch against his temple, and elmott finds it difficult to maintain eye contact as one moment stretches into two. ] You don't owe me anything. I'm not gonna stop.
[ reminding him, believing in him. elmott doesn't think he needs to say as much for yan qing to know; he feels like he probably said too much already, but since he's here now, he might as well go all in. ]
I'm here 'cause I wanna be. Got it?
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Why? 'Cause I'm cute and funny?
[It's a joke.
Maybe.
There is a long pause when lifts the cotton from Elmott's wounds. He wants to look at him the way he is now and burn it into memory — scars, bruises and all. This is what he's willing to put himself through. All this for a nobody he's only known for a month or two. He really doesn't get it. What did he do to make Elmott go so far. Stupid. Moron. This pause isn't for himself anymore.
Elmott needs to focus.]
Yan Qing. That's my real name.
[He rests his chin on his hands flat on the couch, peering at Elmott with a little more affection.]
... Well, you're from another world, so it doesn't mean anything to you. Ah, but if it did, I wonder if you'd do the same thing. I guess you would. [He sighs.] You're way too soft.
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[ it's fine if yan qing doesn't understand — elmott doesn't really understand it himself either, how he'd changed so much in such a short amount of time; how he's grown to care this much about yan qing when it's just been a few months since they met. he doesn't know how it started, doesn't know what the catalyst was that led him to this moment, but maybe there's just people out there that he was meant to connect with. like djeeta, like tsubasa, like yan qing. they've all impacted his life in some way or another, expanded his world to encompass more than just himself. he doesn't feel remorse or regret sitting on his couch beaten up and bruised in front of yan qing, and he knows that, given the choice, he'd likely do the same thing again.
but anyway, ]
I knew you weren't Shin, sorta from Shinjuku. [ it's a little anticlimactic in a way, but it's only because he had a feeling from the start. he just never felt right about pushing him for it. ] Yan Qing, huh? [ he says it slow, feels the way his mouth shapes the syllables and vowels. ] It suits you.
And you ain't in a position to be judgin', so I'd shut it if I were you.
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Hmm? Is that how I come off? After all that? [He snorts.] Well, thank you. I never did know my parents long, but whenever heaven takes me, I'll be sure to tell 'em.
[He knows he won't go back to heaven. The Throne of Heroes doesn't work that way, but it's a nice thing to think about and a nice thing to say. Elmott doesn't need to think about anything more than that.]
Hey. I know how to make those wounds heal faster.
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[ elmott doesn't remember his parents, doesn't remember if they were the ones who gave him his name or if he somehow ended up choosing it for himself. a name is just a name in the end, he supposes. but the significance of it, the feeling it evokes when someone you care about calls you by it — maybe that's where it really matters. ]
Yeah? [ one would think that after being in this city for so long, he'd know what yan qing is talking about. ] How?
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...Can I hold your hand?
[He knows it's okay. He just doesn't want to make him feel like he has to hide.]
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That it?
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Mm. Yeah. This place is great, ain't it? If you fall asleep like this, you'll be all healed up in no time.
[The flow of chroma is as pleasant as the touch of Elmott's hand, and Yan Qing closes his eyes to feel it.]
But if you wanted a kiss, I wouldn't mind that either.
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he's shy and he's nervous, maybe even a little apprehensive. earlier, he was operating on desperation and adrenaline, that extra boost to get him over his dumb fear of revealing his feelings. elmott is a terrible liar, but he deflects and never takes the first step when it comes to anything more than just camaraderie, or the care he shows his students. the fact that he managed to do so at all earlier is something he still hasn't gotten over yet.
his heart beats painfully in his chest, his fingers twitch around yan qing's. ]
You want another one?
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Interesting.]
You make it sound like I liked the first one, hahaha.
[Not that he hated it, either.
With one last sigh, he lets the topic go. His recovery is top priority, and he can't delay it any longer for something trivial.
Something that requires a little more thought, as much as he wants to forego that.]
Go to sleep now. You'll be fine. Ah, but Elmott. Just one thing?
[As Yan Qing leans into the pillow he's made of his arm, he cracks one eye open.]
Anything you wanna do, I don't mind doing it with you.
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Are you saying that because you want it too? [ it's difficult to look at yan qing's face, so he stares at their linked hands instead, following along the patterns of his tattoos. he swallows, suddenly feeling even more vulnerable than he already has been. ] Or because of earlier?
time to be REALLY STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now Yan Qing doesn't know what to do. His chest tightens and he doesn't know why. He has Pyra, doesn't he? But Pyra has never said a word or made him promise everything, and Yan Qing has never been closer to her heart as much as he has with Elmott. That has nothing to do with what he wants to do — what he allows himself to do. He only does something when it feels right. That's the way it's always been for him.
He never asks why it does.
And besides...]
That doesn't matter. Think about yourself.
[In the end, this isn't about him. It shouldn't be. That's how you keep people around, right?
He doesn't want to owe anyone—]
i hate this
eventually, he loosens his hold on yan qing's hand, just enough to slip his fingers through his in a more secure hold. there's action in inaction — yan qing doesn't answer his question and that in itself is an answer. but who is he to demand one from him anyway? who is he to expect anything from him? ]
It matters to me. [ because it'd be easier for him to move on. ] But, it's okay.
[ you don't owe me anything. ]
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That's not fair.
[Elmott says his answer matters for once and he's caught off guard. He's never had to make a difficult choice before — not one where he has to give the truth. It's not fair, how he can't just get by with going with the flow anymore, how he needs to give an answer not because he should agree. It's not fair that he has to play by Elmott's rules, to feel vulnerable in this moment as he laces his fingers with his and makes him hear his own maddening pulse. And even crazier, he thinks, is how he wants to answer. He doesn't want to lie.
He draws in a sharp gasp.]
You know I wouldn't cry for just anybody.
[He bites his lip, squeezes his hand.]
I want to, alright? With you. Shit, maybe I've always wanted to. [His voice shakes.] I'm just...
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I'm the last person you should be crying over. [ something seizes in elmott's chest, a clench and a release at the tremor in yan qing's voice, in the way he squeezes his hand. he reaches out with his other one to cup the side of his head, pulls himself over to tuck his nose against his crown in a parody of a kiss. ] Hey, it's okay, yeah? It's fine. I'm sorry.
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Maybe Elmott is too soft.]
I told you, you won't get anything from being nice.
[And yet Yan Qing leans into him. Elmott is so free with his affection and Yan Qing is both nostalgic and unused to it. His lip quivers when Elmott can't see it, but he has to be stronger.]
People will step all over you, and one day, even I won't be able to...
[Because between then and now, things haven't changed. He still can't give people an answer when they need it the most.]
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And I told you, I'm not lookin' to get anything.
[ because even this is more than enough, knowing that yan qing wants to. that want is something he can't define yet, and he doesn't know what he wants either, but it's there, simmering beneath his skin beside the chroma. dual sensations, shimmer and ache. ]
I ain't made of glass, Yan Qing. [ he huffs a laugh that lingers in the small space between them. ] I know you kicked my ass earlier, but I can take it.
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[They all think they can handle it on their own. They think they can take on the world and forget why he's by their side. Maybe, even after all this time, what he wants is still too much to ask out loud.
But he lifts his eyes and he wants to believe.]
You're always running off on your own. You know you got me too, right? I'm scared... Scared that I won't be able to protect someone again.
[Scared that he'll fail them despite everything.]
Is that too much?
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