[There is a certain joy in watching someone say your name for the first time. Most people don't learn it the way he has; people like him lie, steal and cheat to get ahead. It's all he's ever done since joining the bandits at Liangshan. Hiding, that is. So when Elmott says he always knew, Yan Qing feels a weight lifted off his shoulders. Elmott doesn't believe because Yan Qing's charmed him. In fact, he's beginning to think it's quite the opposite.]
Hmm? Is that how I come off? After all that? [He snorts.] Well, thank you. I never did know my parents long, but whenever heaven takes me, I'll be sure to tell 'em.
[He knows he won't go back to heaven. The Throne of Heroes doesn't work that way, but it's a nice thing to think about and a nice thing to say. Elmott doesn't need to think about anything more than that.]
Sort of. [ he shrugs, it's not a language he's familiar with, but the sound of it and the shape of it — ] I guess I just thought you were more than just Shin.
[ elmott doesn't remember his parents, doesn't remember if they were the ones who gave him his name or if he somehow ended up choosing it for himself. a name is just a name in the end, he supposes. but the significance of it, the feeling it evokes when someone you care about calls you by it — maybe that's where it really matters. ]
Yeah? [ one would think that after being in this city for so long, he'd know what yan qing is talking about. ] How?
[Yan Qing reaches out, eager to show Elmott, then relents before he can touch his skin. His frown deepens, and part of him worries that perhaps asking for more is too much. He's already hurt him. What if Elmott hates this sort of thing? The sudden contact, the surprises.]
...Can I hold your hand?
[He knows it's okay. He just doesn't want to make him feel like he has to hide.]
[ it's almost funny how yan qing asks to hold his hand now after everything that happened. but elmott doesn't really think about it, placing his hand in yan qing's and curling his fingers around his. chroma sparks alongside the goosebumps that pebble his skin, but he ignores it as well as the flush that threatens to crawl up his face. it's fine, this is fine. they're just holding hands, it's not a big deal. ]
he's shy and he's nervous, maybe even a little apprehensive. earlier, he was operating on desperation and adrenaline, that extra boost to get him over his dumb fear of revealing his feelings. elmott is a terrible liar, but he deflects and never takes the first step when it comes to anything more than just camaraderie, or the care he shows his students. the fact that he managed to do so at all earlier is something he still hasn't gotten over yet.
his heart beats painfully in his chest, his fingers twitch around yan qing's. ]
[He keeps his eyes shut. He doesn't need to know what Elmott looks like now when he can feel the slight movement of his hand that clues him in. Anyone would fluster at the sudden offer of a kiss, but Yan Qing hears what's left unspoken when Elmott doesn't fight it.
Interesting.]
You make it sound like I liked the first one, hahaha.
[Not that he hated it, either.
With one last sigh, he lets the topic go. His recovery is top priority, and he can't delay it any longer for something trivial.
Something that requires a little more thought, as much as he wants to forego that.]
Go to sleep now. You'll be fine. Ah, but Elmott. Just one thing?
[As Yan Qing leans into the pillow he's made of his arm, he cracks one eye open.]
Anything you wanna do, I don't mind doing it with you.
[ even if yan qing hated it, elmott wouldn't hold it against him. it wasn't very good and he had no idea what he was doing for the entirety of it. but it means something that yan qing would bring it up again, doesn't it? and what he says next makes something in his chest tighten, makes him feel warm all over, like he's casting his magic. he both hates and likes how yan qing makes him feel this way so easily. ]
Are you saying that because you want it too? [ it's difficult to look at yan qing's face, so he stares at their linked hands instead, following along the patterns of his tattoos. he swallows, suddenly feeling even more vulnerable than he already has been. ] Or because of earlier?
Now Yan Qing doesn't know what to do. His chest tightens and he doesn't know why. He has Pyra, doesn't he? But Pyra has never said a word or made him promise everything, and Yan Qing has never been closer to her heart as much as he has with Elmott. That has nothing to do with what he wants to do — what he allows himself to do. He only does something when it feels right. That's the way it's always been for him.
He never asks why it does.
And besides...]
That doesn't matter. Think about yourself.
[In the end, this isn't about him. It shouldn't be. That's how you keep people around, right?
[ elmott is quiet for a long time, thinking about what yan qing said, thinking about the things he said and everything else that led up to this point. with his eyes closed, it almost seems like he fell asleep. honestly, he doesn't know if he can sleep at the moment.
eventually, he loosens his hold on yan qing's hand, just enough to slip his fingers through his in a more secure hold. there's action in inaction — yan qing doesn't answer his question and that in itself is an answer. but who is he to demand one from him anyway? who is he to expect anything from him? ]
It matters to me. [ because it'd be easier for him to move on. ] But, it's okay.
[He buries his face in his arm, but his ears burn red enough for Elmott to see.]
That's not fair.
[Elmott says his answer matters for once and he's caught off guard. He's never had to make a difficult choice before — not one where he has to give the truth. It's not fair, how he can't just get by with going with the flow anymore, how he needs to give an answer not because he should agree. It's not fair that he has to play by Elmott's rules, to feel vulnerable in this moment as he laces his fingers with his and makes him hear his own maddening pulse. And even crazier, he thinks, is how he wants to answer. He doesn't want to lie.
He draws in a sharp gasp.]
You know I wouldn't cry for just anybody.
[He bites his lip, squeezes his hand.]
I want to, alright? With you. Shit, maybe I've always wanted to. [His voice shakes.] I'm just...
[ yan qing's right — it's not fair and elmott knows it. he doesn't want to push him for a decision, even if the answer, whatever it may be, frightens him. but what's important is that it's a decision yan qing made himself for himself, not because of what he feels he may owe him, or what he feels elmott wants. the distinction matters, because yan qing matters. ]
I'm the last person you should be crying over. [ something seizes in elmott's chest, a clench and a release at the tremor in yan qing's voice, in the way he squeezes his hand. he reaches out with his other one to cup the side of his head, pulls himself over to tuck his nose against his crown in a parody of a kiss. ] Hey, it's okay, yeah? It's fine. I'm sorry.
[There's a lump in Yan Qing's throat now, and it hurts when he speaks. It hurts when Elmott speaks, humble and patient, like he doesn't know what he's worth or what he's done for him. Stupid, stupid. Pyra told him not to hate himself, but it's hard when he can never be as good as the kindness he doesn't deserve. But he must be doing something right, if Elmott would do this much. He just doesn't know what.
Maybe Elmott is too soft.]
I told you, you won't get anything from being nice.
[And yet Yan Qing leans into him. Elmott is so free with his affection and Yan Qing is both nostalgic and unused to it. His lip quivers when Elmott can't see it, but he has to be stronger.]
People will step all over you, and one day, even I won't be able to...
[Because between then and now, things haven't changed. He still can't give people an answer when they need it the most.]
[ maybe he's too soft, or maybe he just sees too much of himself in yan qing. he recognizes it, all the self-loathing and negligible self-worth; pushing people away only to long for that same comfort of affection and care he could never find on his own. he was there before and he still is now. but perhaps the difference is that he's here, his face pressed to yan qing's hair and holding him closer than he's done with anyone else. maybe yan qing needs it, but so does he. ]
And I told you, I'm not lookin' to get anything.
[ because even this is more than enough, knowing that yan qing wants to. that want is something he can't define yet, and he doesn't know what he wants either, but it's there, simmering beneath his skin beside the chroma. dual sensations, shimmer and ache. ]
I ain't made of glass, Yan Qing. [ he huffs a laugh that lingers in the small space between them. ] I know you kicked my ass earlier, but I can take it.
[They all think they can handle it on their own. They think they can take on the world and forget why he's by their side. Maybe, even after all this time, what he wants is still too much to ask out loud.
But he lifts his eyes and he wants to believe.]
You're always running off on your own. You know you got me too, right? I'm scared... Scared that I won't be able to protect someone again.
[ he's always been the one running after everyone, always making sure they're okay. he goes off to protect them on his own despite how he tells them to ask for help when they need it. maybe he should learn to take his own advice sometimes. ]
You say I got you, but you're taking on everything yourself. [ he moves back just enough to see yan qing's face, tucks an errant lock of hair behind his ear. ] That ain't fair either. If you're gonna protect me, you gotta let me do the same for you too.
[ he sighs, expression too fond for it to really mean anything. but his chest aches at the way yan qing asks him, the open expression of surprise on his face. ]
It wasn't your fault, all right? So quit trying to blame yourself all the time.
[When Elmott says those words, suddenly, it's easier to breathe. The ache in his throat and chest are still there, but he holds his hand and Elmott looks at him like he's worth it, and he feels the world take him into its arms, tucking Yan Qing into a place where he can fit next to him. Curses are not in Elmott's repertoire, but Yan Qing is sure he'd just broken a spell, freeing him from the chains he'd bound himself with so long ago. Now, he is free.
He is free, and he is loved.]
Thank you. [His voice cracks.] Thank you... You don't know how much that means to me.
[Soft lips gingerly press against Elmott's knuckles, his words barely above a whisper as he shows Elmott a smile of newfound warmth.]
he watches yan qing's lips brush his knuckles almost in slow motion and can't seem to pull away in time despite it happening in front of him. the kiss sends sparks straight up his hand and his arm, and he doesn't know if it's the chroma or something else but it makes his entire face flame up, his heart jumping right into his throat. it's too much, the way yan qing smiles at him, the things he says; the promise that he makes. elmott has never expected anything from anyone, he knows how he is, but the amount of sincerity in yan qing's voice makes him feel lightheaded all over again. ]
You don't need to do that either, [ he manages eventually, rubbing his face with his free hand in an effort to cool off. ] Look, all that stuff about how you don't deserve kindness or whatever? How you owe me for doing what I did? That's all bullshit. Don't tell me what to do. And I'll roast your ass if I ever catch you thinking it again, got it?
[So it was this. This was the kind of thing he was looking for. Unabashed. Unconditional. Maybe one day, Elmott will grow tired of his company, but right now, he can't see it happening. There are stars in his eyes, and though Elmott has a hand over his face, Yan Qing can't bring himself to look anywhere else. For once, it's not about how much he owes or what he deserves now.]
I think I might miss you, though.
[Until Elmott tells him to, he won't let go of his hand.]
[ only yan qing can make him say that and it somehow comes out like a term of endearment rather than an insult. but elmott doesn't let go either and the fluttery feeling in his chest remains, even after he pulls yan qing up onto the couch next to him with a quiet c'mere, wrapping his free arm around him to pull him close. he remembers closing his eyes, but he doesn't remember falling asleep until the sun filters through the blinds and hits him square in the face the next morning.
he wakes up alone, yan qing switched out for one of his pillows instead. it doesn't hurt anymore when he tries to sit up though, and when he checks out his injuries in the bathroom, there's nothing but a few faint scars left.
he debates with himself for at least five minutes, but eventually he does end up sending a text, ]
[As soon as Elmott send his text, another phone in the vicinity buzzes immediately. How odd! In fact, he can also hear the sound of something cooking in that direction. Also in said direction is a lively melody sang by a talented singer, his notes round compared to the sharp sizzling of what smells like bacon filling the air. The radio is also on, though at a lower volume. Why? Well...]
Cooking, cooking at Elmott's place~ Second best to~ [hold on let him text before flipping the bacon] Sleeping at Elmott's place~
he had the bathroom door closed and jumped in the shower immediately so he wouldn't have to feel weird about waiting to see if yan qing would text him back or not. so much happened yesterday, none of it actually feels real. it's only until he picks up on the scent of bacon that makes him pause, and then squint in the direction of his kitchen. ]
No.
[ anyway, he's showered and changed and already has a cigarette in his mouth when he makes his way to the little kitchen, pausing in the doorway once he catches sight of yan qing. it takes him a second to realize he's the one cooking, and that he has a really nice singing voice... and that if this is actually a dream, he doesn't mind staying asleep for a while longer. it's hard not to smile. ]
Who said you could use my kitchen, huh?
[ he comes up behind yan qing to steal a piece of bacon, not even bothered by the heat when he pops it in his mouth. ]
[He doesn't jolt in surprise when Elmott sneaks up behind him. It's not his house, and he figured the man would wake up eventually. He knows this, but he doesn't stop him.]
Ahhh, don't eat that! [Yet he lets Elmott eat the crunchy piece of bacon, only waving the spatula as he scolds him.] If your tongue gets burnt before you get a taste of my stupidly delicious cooking, that ain't on me.
[His voice tickles his ear despite the distance, and that's when Yan Qing is made acutely aware of how tall Elmott is. He always has his back slouched, and they'd always been sitting down whenever they'd ride his bike, so Yan Qing hadn't quite noticed until now. Even as the scent of breakfast wafts across the room, he can smell Elmott's shampoo—
Well, anyway.]
You oughta thank me! [In petty revenge, he swipes Elmott's cigarette and puts it between his own lips.] Judgin' by the looks of this place, it ain't everyday you get someone to cook for ya. I used to work in a mansion, you know. My recipes are high class! Iiii just don't wanna cook if I can help it. Now siddown. Breakfast's the most important meal of the day!
[The bacon goes onto their plates, already decorated with pieces of toast and two sunny-side up eggs, and he serves them both on the small table Elmott has propped up.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Hmm? Is that how I come off? After all that? [He snorts.] Well, thank you. I never did know my parents long, but whenever heaven takes me, I'll be sure to tell 'em.
[He knows he won't go back to heaven. The Throne of Heroes doesn't work that way, but it's a nice thing to think about and a nice thing to say. Elmott doesn't need to think about anything more than that.]
Hey. I know how to make those wounds heal faster.
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[ elmott doesn't remember his parents, doesn't remember if they were the ones who gave him his name or if he somehow ended up choosing it for himself. a name is just a name in the end, he supposes. but the significance of it, the feeling it evokes when someone you care about calls you by it — maybe that's where it really matters. ]
Yeah? [ one would think that after being in this city for so long, he'd know what yan qing is talking about. ] How?
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...Can I hold your hand?
[He knows it's okay. He just doesn't want to make him feel like he has to hide.]
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That it?
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Mm. Yeah. This place is great, ain't it? If you fall asleep like this, you'll be all healed up in no time.
[The flow of chroma is as pleasant as the touch of Elmott's hand, and Yan Qing closes his eyes to feel it.]
But if you wanted a kiss, I wouldn't mind that either.
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he's shy and he's nervous, maybe even a little apprehensive. earlier, he was operating on desperation and adrenaline, that extra boost to get him over his dumb fear of revealing his feelings. elmott is a terrible liar, but he deflects and never takes the first step when it comes to anything more than just camaraderie, or the care he shows his students. the fact that he managed to do so at all earlier is something he still hasn't gotten over yet.
his heart beats painfully in his chest, his fingers twitch around yan qing's. ]
You want another one?
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Interesting.]
You make it sound like I liked the first one, hahaha.
[Not that he hated it, either.
With one last sigh, he lets the topic go. His recovery is top priority, and he can't delay it any longer for something trivial.
Something that requires a little more thought, as much as he wants to forego that.]
Go to sleep now. You'll be fine. Ah, but Elmott. Just one thing?
[As Yan Qing leans into the pillow he's made of his arm, he cracks one eye open.]
Anything you wanna do, I don't mind doing it with you.
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Are you saying that because you want it too? [ it's difficult to look at yan qing's face, so he stares at their linked hands instead, following along the patterns of his tattoos. he swallows, suddenly feeling even more vulnerable than he already has been. ] Or because of earlier?
time to be REALLY STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now Yan Qing doesn't know what to do. His chest tightens and he doesn't know why. He has Pyra, doesn't he? But Pyra has never said a word or made him promise everything, and Yan Qing has never been closer to her heart as much as he has with Elmott. That has nothing to do with what he wants to do — what he allows himself to do. He only does something when it feels right. That's the way it's always been for him.
He never asks why it does.
And besides...]
That doesn't matter. Think about yourself.
[In the end, this isn't about him. It shouldn't be. That's how you keep people around, right?
He doesn't want to owe anyone—]
i hate this
eventually, he loosens his hold on yan qing's hand, just enough to slip his fingers through his in a more secure hold. there's action in inaction — yan qing doesn't answer his question and that in itself is an answer. but who is he to demand one from him anyway? who is he to expect anything from him? ]
It matters to me. [ because it'd be easier for him to move on. ] But, it's okay.
[ you don't owe me anything. ]
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That's not fair.
[Elmott says his answer matters for once and he's caught off guard. He's never had to make a difficult choice before — not one where he has to give the truth. It's not fair, how he can't just get by with going with the flow anymore, how he needs to give an answer not because he should agree. It's not fair that he has to play by Elmott's rules, to feel vulnerable in this moment as he laces his fingers with his and makes him hear his own maddening pulse. And even crazier, he thinks, is how he wants to answer. He doesn't want to lie.
He draws in a sharp gasp.]
You know I wouldn't cry for just anybody.
[He bites his lip, squeezes his hand.]
I want to, alright? With you. Shit, maybe I've always wanted to. [His voice shakes.] I'm just...
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I'm the last person you should be crying over. [ something seizes in elmott's chest, a clench and a release at the tremor in yan qing's voice, in the way he squeezes his hand. he reaches out with his other one to cup the side of his head, pulls himself over to tuck his nose against his crown in a parody of a kiss. ] Hey, it's okay, yeah? It's fine. I'm sorry.
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Maybe Elmott is too soft.]
I told you, you won't get anything from being nice.
[And yet Yan Qing leans into him. Elmott is so free with his affection and Yan Qing is both nostalgic and unused to it. His lip quivers when Elmott can't see it, but he has to be stronger.]
People will step all over you, and one day, even I won't be able to...
[Because between then and now, things haven't changed. He still can't give people an answer when they need it the most.]
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And I told you, I'm not lookin' to get anything.
[ because even this is more than enough, knowing that yan qing wants to. that want is something he can't define yet, and he doesn't know what he wants either, but it's there, simmering beneath his skin beside the chroma. dual sensations, shimmer and ache. ]
I ain't made of glass, Yan Qing. [ he huffs a laugh that lingers in the small space between them. ] I know you kicked my ass earlier, but I can take it.
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[They all think they can handle it on their own. They think they can take on the world and forget why he's by their side. Maybe, even after all this time, what he wants is still too much to ask out loud.
But he lifts his eyes and he wants to believe.]
You're always running off on your own. You know you got me too, right? I'm scared... Scared that I won't be able to protect someone again.
[Scared that he'll fail them despite everything.]
Is that too much?
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[ he's always been the one running after everyone, always making sure they're okay. he goes off to protect them on his own despite how he tells them to ask for help when they need it. maybe he should learn to take his own advice sometimes. ]
You say I got you, but you're taking on everything yourself. [ he moves back just enough to see yan qing's face, tucks an errant lock of hair behind his ear. ] That ain't fair either. If you're gonna protect me, you gotta let me do the same for you too.
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Protect... me?
[He feels a lump in his throat. No one's ever told him that before.
The question is quiet.]
You'll protect me? Even after what I did to you?
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[ he sighs, expression too fond for it to really mean anything. but his chest aches at the way yan qing asks him, the open expression of surprise on his face. ]
It wasn't your fault, all right? So quit trying to blame yourself all the time.
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He is free, and he is loved.]
Thank you. [His voice cracks.] Thank you... You don't know how much that means to me.
[Soft lips gingerly press against Elmott's knuckles, his words barely above a whisper as he shows Elmott a smile of newfound warmth.]
I swear I'll never leave your side.
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he watches yan qing's lips brush his knuckles almost in slow motion and can't seem to pull away in time despite it happening in front of him. the kiss sends sparks straight up his hand and his arm, and he doesn't know if it's the chroma or something else but it makes his entire face flame up, his heart jumping right into his throat. it's too much, the way yan qing smiles at him, the things he says; the promise that he makes. elmott has never expected anything from anyone, he knows how he is, but the amount of sincerity in yan qing's voice makes him feel lightheaded all over again. ]
You don't need to do that either, [ he manages eventually, rubbing his face with his free hand in an effort to cool off. ] Look, all that stuff about how you don't deserve kindness or whatever? How you owe me for doing what I did? That's all bullshit. Don't tell me what to do. And I'll roast your ass if I ever catch you thinking it again, got it?
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[So it was this. This was the kind of thing he was looking for. Unabashed. Unconditional. Maybe one day, Elmott will grow tired of his company, but right now, he can't see it happening. There are stars in his eyes, and though Elmott has a hand over his face, Yan Qing can't bring himself to look anywhere else. For once, it's not about how much he owes or what he deserves now.]
I think I might miss you, though.
[Until Elmott tells him to, he won't let go of his hand.]
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[ only yan qing can make him say that and it somehow comes out like a term of endearment rather than an insult. but elmott doesn't let go either and the fluttery feeling in his chest remains, even after he pulls yan qing up onto the couch next to him with a quiet c'mere, wrapping his free arm around him to pull him close. he remembers closing his eyes, but he doesn't remember falling asleep until the sun filters through the blinds and hits him square in the face the next morning.
he wakes up alone, yan qing switched out for one of his pillows instead. it doesn't hurt anymore when he tries to sit up though, and when he checks out his injuries in the bathroom, there's nothing but a few faint scars left.
he debates with himself for at least five minutes, but eventually he does end up sending a text, ]
You were right about the hand holding thing.
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Cooking, cooking at Elmott's place~ Second best to~ [hold on let him text before flipping the bacon] Sleeping at Elmott's place~
[Yan Qing shut up. Anyway, this is his text:]
I'm always rite lol
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he had the bathroom door closed and jumped in the shower immediately so he wouldn't have to feel weird about waiting to see if yan qing would text him back or not. so much happened yesterday, none of it actually feels real. it's only until he picks up on the scent of bacon that makes him pause, and then squint in the direction of his kitchen. ]
No.
[ anyway, he's showered and changed and already has a cigarette in his mouth when he makes his way to the little kitchen, pausing in the doorway once he catches sight of yan qing. it takes him a second to realize he's the one cooking, and that he has a really nice singing voice... and that if this is actually a dream, he doesn't mind staying asleep for a while longer. it's hard not to smile. ]
Who said you could use my kitchen, huh?
[ he comes up behind yan qing to steal a piece of bacon, not even bothered by the heat when he pops it in his mouth. ]
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Ahhh, don't eat that! [Yet he lets Elmott eat the crunchy piece of bacon, only waving the spatula as he scolds him.] If your tongue gets burnt before you get a taste of my stupidly delicious cooking, that ain't on me.
[His voice tickles his ear despite the distance, and that's when Yan Qing is made acutely aware of how tall Elmott is. He always has his back slouched, and they'd always been sitting down whenever they'd ride his bike, so Yan Qing hadn't quite noticed until now. Even as the scent of breakfast wafts across the room, he can smell Elmott's shampoo—
Well, anyway.]
You oughta thank me! [In petty revenge, he swipes Elmott's cigarette and puts it between his own lips.] Judgin' by the looks of this place, it ain't everyday you get someone to cook for ya. I used to work in a mansion, you know. My recipes are high class! Iiii just don't wanna cook if I can help it. Now siddown. Breakfast's the most important meal of the day!
[The bacon goes onto their plates, already decorated with pieces of toast and two sunny-side up eggs, and he serves them both on the small table Elmott has propped up.]
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