[ elmott is quiet for a long time, thinking about what yan qing said, thinking about the things he said and everything else that led up to this point. with his eyes closed, it almost seems like he fell asleep. honestly, he doesn't know if he can sleep at the moment.
eventually, he loosens his hold on yan qing's hand, just enough to slip his fingers through his in a more secure hold. there's action in inaction — yan qing doesn't answer his question and that in itself is an answer. but who is he to demand one from him anyway? who is he to expect anything from him? ]
It matters to me. [ because it'd be easier for him to move on. ] But, it's okay.
[He buries his face in his arm, but his ears burn red enough for Elmott to see.]
That's not fair.
[Elmott says his answer matters for once and he's caught off guard. He's never had to make a difficult choice before — not one where he has to give the truth. It's not fair, how he can't just get by with going with the flow anymore, how he needs to give an answer not because he should agree. It's not fair that he has to play by Elmott's rules, to feel vulnerable in this moment as he laces his fingers with his and makes him hear his own maddening pulse. And even crazier, he thinks, is how he wants to answer. He doesn't want to lie.
He draws in a sharp gasp.]
You know I wouldn't cry for just anybody.
[He bites his lip, squeezes his hand.]
I want to, alright? With you. Shit, maybe I've always wanted to. [His voice shakes.] I'm just...
[ yan qing's right — it's not fair and elmott knows it. he doesn't want to push him for a decision, even if the answer, whatever it may be, frightens him. but what's important is that it's a decision yan qing made himself for himself, not because of what he feels he may owe him, or what he feels elmott wants. the distinction matters, because yan qing matters. ]
I'm the last person you should be crying over. [ something seizes in elmott's chest, a clench and a release at the tremor in yan qing's voice, in the way he squeezes his hand. he reaches out with his other one to cup the side of his head, pulls himself over to tuck his nose against his crown in a parody of a kiss. ] Hey, it's okay, yeah? It's fine. I'm sorry.
[There's a lump in Yan Qing's throat now, and it hurts when he speaks. It hurts when Elmott speaks, humble and patient, like he doesn't know what he's worth or what he's done for him. Stupid, stupid. Pyra told him not to hate himself, but it's hard when he can never be as good as the kindness he doesn't deserve. But he must be doing something right, if Elmott would do this much. He just doesn't know what.
Maybe Elmott is too soft.]
I told you, you won't get anything from being nice.
[And yet Yan Qing leans into him. Elmott is so free with his affection and Yan Qing is both nostalgic and unused to it. His lip quivers when Elmott can't see it, but he has to be stronger.]
People will step all over you, and one day, even I won't be able to...
[Because between then and now, things haven't changed. He still can't give people an answer when they need it the most.]
[ maybe he's too soft, or maybe he just sees too much of himself in yan qing. he recognizes it, all the self-loathing and negligible self-worth; pushing people away only to long for that same comfort of affection and care he could never find on his own. he was there before and he still is now. but perhaps the difference is that he's here, his face pressed to yan qing's hair and holding him closer than he's done with anyone else. maybe yan qing needs it, but so does he. ]
And I told you, I'm not lookin' to get anything.
[ because even this is more than enough, knowing that yan qing wants to. that want is something he can't define yet, and he doesn't know what he wants either, but it's there, simmering beneath his skin beside the chroma. dual sensations, shimmer and ache. ]
I ain't made of glass, Yan Qing. [ he huffs a laugh that lingers in the small space between them. ] I know you kicked my ass earlier, but I can take it.
[They all think they can handle it on their own. They think they can take on the world and forget why he's by their side. Maybe, even after all this time, what he wants is still too much to ask out loud.
But he lifts his eyes and he wants to believe.]
You're always running off on your own. You know you got me too, right? I'm scared... Scared that I won't be able to protect someone again.
[ he's always been the one running after everyone, always making sure they're okay. he goes off to protect them on his own despite how he tells them to ask for help when they need it. maybe he should learn to take his own advice sometimes. ]
You say I got you, but you're taking on everything yourself. [ he moves back just enough to see yan qing's face, tucks an errant lock of hair behind his ear. ] That ain't fair either. If you're gonna protect me, you gotta let me do the same for you too.
[ he sighs, expression too fond for it to really mean anything. but his chest aches at the way yan qing asks him, the open expression of surprise on his face. ]
It wasn't your fault, all right? So quit trying to blame yourself all the time.
[When Elmott says those words, suddenly, it's easier to breathe. The ache in his throat and chest are still there, but he holds his hand and Elmott looks at him like he's worth it, and he feels the world take him into its arms, tucking Yan Qing into a place where he can fit next to him. Curses are not in Elmott's repertoire, but Yan Qing is sure he'd just broken a spell, freeing him from the chains he'd bound himself with so long ago. Now, he is free.
He is free, and he is loved.]
Thank you. [His voice cracks.] Thank you... You don't know how much that means to me.
[Soft lips gingerly press against Elmott's knuckles, his words barely above a whisper as he shows Elmott a smile of newfound warmth.]
he watches yan qing's lips brush his knuckles almost in slow motion and can't seem to pull away in time despite it happening in front of him. the kiss sends sparks straight up his hand and his arm, and he doesn't know if it's the chroma or something else but it makes his entire face flame up, his heart jumping right into his throat. it's too much, the way yan qing smiles at him, the things he says; the promise that he makes. elmott has never expected anything from anyone, he knows how he is, but the amount of sincerity in yan qing's voice makes him feel lightheaded all over again. ]
You don't need to do that either, [ he manages eventually, rubbing his face with his free hand in an effort to cool off. ] Look, all that stuff about how you don't deserve kindness or whatever? How you owe me for doing what I did? That's all bullshit. Don't tell me what to do. And I'll roast your ass if I ever catch you thinking it again, got it?
[So it was this. This was the kind of thing he was looking for. Unabashed. Unconditional. Maybe one day, Elmott will grow tired of his company, but right now, he can't see it happening. There are stars in his eyes, and though Elmott has a hand over his face, Yan Qing can't bring himself to look anywhere else. For once, it's not about how much he owes or what he deserves now.]
I think I might miss you, though.
[Until Elmott tells him to, he won't let go of his hand.]
[ only yan qing can make him say that and it somehow comes out like a term of endearment rather than an insult. but elmott doesn't let go either and the fluttery feeling in his chest remains, even after he pulls yan qing up onto the couch next to him with a quiet c'mere, wrapping his free arm around him to pull him close. he remembers closing his eyes, but he doesn't remember falling asleep until the sun filters through the blinds and hits him square in the face the next morning.
he wakes up alone, yan qing switched out for one of his pillows instead. it doesn't hurt anymore when he tries to sit up though, and when he checks out his injuries in the bathroom, there's nothing but a few faint scars left.
he debates with himself for at least five minutes, but eventually he does end up sending a text, ]
[As soon as Elmott send his text, another phone in the vicinity buzzes immediately. How odd! In fact, he can also hear the sound of something cooking in that direction. Also in said direction is a lively melody sang by a talented singer, his notes round compared to the sharp sizzling of what smells like bacon filling the air. The radio is also on, though at a lower volume. Why? Well...]
Cooking, cooking at Elmott's place~ Second best to~ [hold on let him text before flipping the bacon] Sleeping at Elmott's place~
he had the bathroom door closed and jumped in the shower immediately so he wouldn't have to feel weird about waiting to see if yan qing would text him back or not. so much happened yesterday, none of it actually feels real. it's only until he picks up on the scent of bacon that makes him pause, and then squint in the direction of his kitchen. ]
No.
[ anyway, he's showered and changed and already has a cigarette in his mouth when he makes his way to the little kitchen, pausing in the doorway once he catches sight of yan qing. it takes him a second to realize he's the one cooking, and that he has a really nice singing voice... and that if this is actually a dream, he doesn't mind staying asleep for a while longer. it's hard not to smile. ]
Who said you could use my kitchen, huh?
[ he comes up behind yan qing to steal a piece of bacon, not even bothered by the heat when he pops it in his mouth. ]
[He doesn't jolt in surprise when Elmott sneaks up behind him. It's not his house, and he figured the man would wake up eventually. He knows this, but he doesn't stop him.]
Ahhh, don't eat that! [Yet he lets Elmott eat the crunchy piece of bacon, only waving the spatula as he scolds him.] If your tongue gets burnt before you get a taste of my stupidly delicious cooking, that ain't on me.
[His voice tickles his ear despite the distance, and that's when Yan Qing is made acutely aware of how tall Elmott is. He always has his back slouched, and they'd always been sitting down whenever they'd ride his bike, so Yan Qing hadn't quite noticed until now. Even as the scent of breakfast wafts across the room, he can smell Elmott's shampoo—
Well, anyway.]
You oughta thank me! [In petty revenge, he swipes Elmott's cigarette and puts it between his own lips.] Judgin' by the looks of this place, it ain't everyday you get someone to cook for ya. I used to work in a mansion, you know. My recipes are high class! Iiii just don't wanna cook if I can help it. Now siddown. Breakfast's the most important meal of the day!
[The bacon goes onto their plates, already decorated with pieces of toast and two sunny-side up eggs, and he serves them both on the small table Elmott has propped up.]
[ this might be where, if taiga was here, he'd say something like, would you kiss it better? but taiga is unfortunately (or fortunately) not here, so. he doesn't.
elmott leans against the counter next to him while he cooks, hiding his smile under the guise of chewing on that crispy piece of bacon. he doesn't usually have someone cooking for him, so it's... nice, in a way, that yan qing wanted to do it on his own volition. but maybe the simpler answer is that he just likes the way yan qing looks in his kitchen and how he fills the negative space, bringing more color and vibrancy into his apartment since he moved in the first day. ]
All right, master chef. No one's doubting you.
[ besides, he can tell just from the smell alone that it's good. or maybe it's just because it was made by yan qing. by the time the food is served, elmott has tea ready, and it all feels very domestic — much more intimate than sharing meals with the crew. the embarrassment he'd normally have is undermined by how unexpectedly nice it all is, and he figures he might as well enjoy it for as long as he can. ]
It's good, though. [ the table is small enough that if elmott stretches out his legs, his knee would easily brush yan qing's. he tries not to think about it too much. ] Why don't you wanna cook?
[He takes a drag before setting the cigarette down on a nearby ashtray, then takes his apron (Elmott's apron) off and hangs it wherever the room allows. Yan Qing's back to wearing the clothes he had when he first stepped into the amphitheatre, pressed and clean. Strangely, it's as if he'd never even gotten those wings...]
'Cause it's a pain in the ass, duh.
[Yan Qing usually eats a little faster than Elmott does, but today he paces himself. He takes a little bite of his toast, takes a little bit of his egg. It's all for show in the end; Servants don't require food to sustain themselves anyway. But if it makes Elmott feel at ease, he'll gladly take his time. It seems to be working, and it's not just Elmott who feels that way.
He takes a bite, and in his delight, bumps knees with Elmott in the process.]
Oh, you're right! Hehe. [He was praised...] I don't need to eat, anyway. I eat whatever I want whenever I want.
[ it's almost like nothing happened yesterday— like he didn't get those wings, like he wasn't trying to bring yan qing back from whatever was happening back at the tournament. if it weren't for the faint scars still on his body, he wouldn't have believed it himself.
but it's there in the way yan qing's knee bumps against his, in the way he takes his time today despite the fact he doesn't need to. ]
Thanks for the meal, then.
[ it's not the first time they've eaten together, but it's the first time yan qing's made him anything. and maybe that says something too, something that makes his chest tighten again in the same sort of way yan qing has always made him feel.
he lets his knee linger against yan qing's, swallows down the bacon and the egg and the weird fluttery feeling. ]
[Everything's going so well. Elmott rests against Yan Qing a little longer than usual and Yan Qing's trying not to let it affect the way he speaks. He's not used to this, the subtle shows of affection that he doesn't make. Between the comfort Elmott gives and the unfamiliarity of the situation, Yan Qing thinks he could mess up at any moment.
[ everything's going so well, it's nice and comfortable and their knees are touching under the table. very sweet, almost romantic, even. but elmott is not prepared for yan qing's answer and had taken that moment to take a sip of his tea.
so he chokes on it, and manages to avoid getting it on yan qing and instead gets it all over the remains of his breakfast. nailed it. ]
[ sometimes it's hard to tell whether or not yq is just teasing him or if he's actually telling the truth; this is one of those times. elmott's face is an unsurprising shade of red that matches his hair, his expression caught between annoyance and embarrassment as he tries to pull himself together again. ]
No. [ he is going to steal a piece of toast off yan qing's plate tho. he deserves this ok. ] Quit messin' with me.
[And he lets him steal it, because that's fair. Like he said, he doesn't need it. He's satisfied with simply watching Elmott eat and get flustered at the mention of, well. That.]
Aww. But you got excited, didn't you? That's nasty, El. Hahahaha! [literally just make him shut up please] ...I don't think I ever told you what I am. You know about familiars, doncha?
[ he chews the toast with a little more hostility than necessary, willing his face to cool down. it doesn't really work but he's trying. more importantly, what yq says is a good distraction at least. ]
Not that much, but yeah. [ like anila's sheep maybe?? ] Is that what you are?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i hate this
eventually, he loosens his hold on yan qing's hand, just enough to slip his fingers through his in a more secure hold. there's action in inaction — yan qing doesn't answer his question and that in itself is an answer. but who is he to demand one from him anyway? who is he to expect anything from him? ]
It matters to me. [ because it'd be easier for him to move on. ] But, it's okay.
[ you don't owe me anything. ]
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That's not fair.
[Elmott says his answer matters for once and he's caught off guard. He's never had to make a difficult choice before — not one where he has to give the truth. It's not fair, how he can't just get by with going with the flow anymore, how he needs to give an answer not because he should agree. It's not fair that he has to play by Elmott's rules, to feel vulnerable in this moment as he laces his fingers with his and makes him hear his own maddening pulse. And even crazier, he thinks, is how he wants to answer. He doesn't want to lie.
He draws in a sharp gasp.]
You know I wouldn't cry for just anybody.
[He bites his lip, squeezes his hand.]
I want to, alright? With you. Shit, maybe I've always wanted to. [His voice shakes.] I'm just...
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I'm the last person you should be crying over. [ something seizes in elmott's chest, a clench and a release at the tremor in yan qing's voice, in the way he squeezes his hand. he reaches out with his other one to cup the side of his head, pulls himself over to tuck his nose against his crown in a parody of a kiss. ] Hey, it's okay, yeah? It's fine. I'm sorry.
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Maybe Elmott is too soft.]
I told you, you won't get anything from being nice.
[And yet Yan Qing leans into him. Elmott is so free with his affection and Yan Qing is both nostalgic and unused to it. His lip quivers when Elmott can't see it, but he has to be stronger.]
People will step all over you, and one day, even I won't be able to...
[Because between then and now, things haven't changed. He still can't give people an answer when they need it the most.]
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And I told you, I'm not lookin' to get anything.
[ because even this is more than enough, knowing that yan qing wants to. that want is something he can't define yet, and he doesn't know what he wants either, but it's there, simmering beneath his skin beside the chroma. dual sensations, shimmer and ache. ]
I ain't made of glass, Yan Qing. [ he huffs a laugh that lingers in the small space between them. ] I know you kicked my ass earlier, but I can take it.
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[They all think they can handle it on their own. They think they can take on the world and forget why he's by their side. Maybe, even after all this time, what he wants is still too much to ask out loud.
But he lifts his eyes and he wants to believe.]
You're always running off on your own. You know you got me too, right? I'm scared... Scared that I won't be able to protect someone again.
[Scared that he'll fail them despite everything.]
Is that too much?
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[ he's always been the one running after everyone, always making sure they're okay. he goes off to protect them on his own despite how he tells them to ask for help when they need it. maybe he should learn to take his own advice sometimes. ]
You say I got you, but you're taking on everything yourself. [ he moves back just enough to see yan qing's face, tucks an errant lock of hair behind his ear. ] That ain't fair either. If you're gonna protect me, you gotta let me do the same for you too.
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Protect... me?
[He feels a lump in his throat. No one's ever told him that before.
The question is quiet.]
You'll protect me? Even after what I did to you?
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[ he sighs, expression too fond for it to really mean anything. but his chest aches at the way yan qing asks him, the open expression of surprise on his face. ]
It wasn't your fault, all right? So quit trying to blame yourself all the time.
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He is free, and he is loved.]
Thank you. [His voice cracks.] Thank you... You don't know how much that means to me.
[Soft lips gingerly press against Elmott's knuckles, his words barely above a whisper as he shows Elmott a smile of newfound warmth.]
I swear I'll never leave your side.
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he watches yan qing's lips brush his knuckles almost in slow motion and can't seem to pull away in time despite it happening in front of him. the kiss sends sparks straight up his hand and his arm, and he doesn't know if it's the chroma or something else but it makes his entire face flame up, his heart jumping right into his throat. it's too much, the way yan qing smiles at him, the things he says; the promise that he makes. elmott has never expected anything from anyone, he knows how he is, but the amount of sincerity in yan qing's voice makes him feel lightheaded all over again. ]
You don't need to do that either, [ he manages eventually, rubbing his face with his free hand in an effort to cool off. ] Look, all that stuff about how you don't deserve kindness or whatever? How you owe me for doing what I did? That's all bullshit. Don't tell me what to do. And I'll roast your ass if I ever catch you thinking it again, got it?
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[So it was this. This was the kind of thing he was looking for. Unabashed. Unconditional. Maybe one day, Elmott will grow tired of his company, but right now, he can't see it happening. There are stars in his eyes, and though Elmott has a hand over his face, Yan Qing can't bring himself to look anywhere else. For once, it's not about how much he owes or what he deserves now.]
I think I might miss you, though.
[Until Elmott tells him to, he won't let go of his hand.]
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[ only yan qing can make him say that and it somehow comes out like a term of endearment rather than an insult. but elmott doesn't let go either and the fluttery feeling in his chest remains, even after he pulls yan qing up onto the couch next to him with a quiet c'mere, wrapping his free arm around him to pull him close. he remembers closing his eyes, but he doesn't remember falling asleep until the sun filters through the blinds and hits him square in the face the next morning.
he wakes up alone, yan qing switched out for one of his pillows instead. it doesn't hurt anymore when he tries to sit up though, and when he checks out his injuries in the bathroom, there's nothing but a few faint scars left.
he debates with himself for at least five minutes, but eventually he does end up sending a text, ]
You were right about the hand holding thing.
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Cooking, cooking at Elmott's place~ Second best to~ [hold on let him text before flipping the bacon] Sleeping at Elmott's place~
[Yan Qing shut up. Anyway, this is his text:]
I'm always rite lol
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he had the bathroom door closed and jumped in the shower immediately so he wouldn't have to feel weird about waiting to see if yan qing would text him back or not. so much happened yesterday, none of it actually feels real. it's only until he picks up on the scent of bacon that makes him pause, and then squint in the direction of his kitchen. ]
No.
[ anyway, he's showered and changed and already has a cigarette in his mouth when he makes his way to the little kitchen, pausing in the doorway once he catches sight of yan qing. it takes him a second to realize he's the one cooking, and that he has a really nice singing voice... and that if this is actually a dream, he doesn't mind staying asleep for a while longer. it's hard not to smile. ]
Who said you could use my kitchen, huh?
[ he comes up behind yan qing to steal a piece of bacon, not even bothered by the heat when he pops it in his mouth. ]
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Ahhh, don't eat that! [Yet he lets Elmott eat the crunchy piece of bacon, only waving the spatula as he scolds him.] If your tongue gets burnt before you get a taste of my stupidly delicious cooking, that ain't on me.
[His voice tickles his ear despite the distance, and that's when Yan Qing is made acutely aware of how tall Elmott is. He always has his back slouched, and they'd always been sitting down whenever they'd ride his bike, so Yan Qing hadn't quite noticed until now. Even as the scent of breakfast wafts across the room, he can smell Elmott's shampoo—
Well, anyway.]
You oughta thank me! [In petty revenge, he swipes Elmott's cigarette and puts it between his own lips.] Judgin' by the looks of this place, it ain't everyday you get someone to cook for ya. I used to work in a mansion, you know. My recipes are high class! Iiii just don't wanna cook if I can help it. Now siddown. Breakfast's the most important meal of the day!
[The bacon goes onto their plates, already decorated with pieces of toast and two sunny-side up eggs, and he serves them both on the small table Elmott has propped up.]
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elmott leans against the counter next to him while he cooks, hiding his smile under the guise of chewing on that crispy piece of bacon. he doesn't usually have someone cooking for him, so it's... nice, in a way, that yan qing wanted to do it on his own volition. but maybe the simpler answer is that he just likes the way yan qing looks in his kitchen and how he fills the negative space, bringing more color and vibrancy into his apartment since he moved in the first day. ]
All right, master chef. No one's doubting you.
[ besides, he can tell just from the smell alone that it's good. or maybe it's just because it was made by yan qing. by the time the food is served, elmott has tea ready, and it all feels very domestic — much more intimate than sharing meals with the crew. the embarrassment he'd normally have is undermined by how unexpectedly nice it all is, and he figures he might as well enjoy it for as long as he can. ]
It's good, though. [ the table is small enough that if elmott stretches out his legs, his knee would easily brush yan qing's. he tries not to think about it too much. ] Why don't you wanna cook?
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'Cause it's a pain in the ass, duh.
[Yan Qing usually eats a little faster than Elmott does, but today he paces himself. He takes a little bite of his toast, takes a little bit of his egg. It's all for show in the end; Servants don't require food to sustain themselves anyway. But if it makes Elmott feel at ease, he'll gladly take his time. It seems to be working, and it's not just Elmott who feels that way.
He takes a bite, and in his delight, bumps knees with Elmott in the process.]
Oh, you're right! Hehe. [He was praised...] I don't need to eat, anyway. I eat whatever I want whenever I want.
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but it's there in the way yan qing's knee bumps against his, in the way he takes his time today despite the fact he doesn't need to. ]
Thanks for the meal, then.
[ it's not the first time they've eaten together, but it's the first time yan qing's made him anything. and maybe that says something too, something that makes his chest tighten again in the same sort of way yan qing has always made him feel.
he lets his knee linger against yan qing's, swallows down the bacon and the egg and the weird fluttery feeling. ]
What do you need, if you don't need to eat?
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He figures he should be honest.]
Sex.
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so he chokes on it, and manages to avoid getting it on yan qing and instead gets it all over the remains of his breakfast. nailed it. ]
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I'm kidding! I'm kidding! Sort of. Hahaha, should I make you another plate?
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No. [ he is going to steal a piece of toast off yan qing's plate tho. he deserves this ok. ] Quit messin' with me.
[ huffs....... ]
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Aww. But you got excited, didn't you? That's nasty, El. Hahahaha! [literally just make him shut up please] ...I don't think I ever told you what I am. You know about familiars, doncha?
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[ he chews the toast with a little more hostility than necessary, willing his face to cool down. it doesn't really work but he's trying. more importantly, what yq says is a good distraction at least. ]
Not that much, but yeah. [ like anila's sheep maybe?? ] Is that what you are?
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